I remember when I wanted to be everyone's friend. I was a people pleaser and I couldn't say "No". My opinions were very much molded out from my peer's, and I never strayed too far from the norm. I was afraid that I might become the center of negative attention if I went too far. Even if one person disliked me, I would be very bothered and hate myself. Thoughts like: why am I not good enough? Why can't everyone like me? What if that person says terrible things about me and then everyone else hates me? What if no one likes me...and they are just merely tolerating me? People's perception of me became a major setback for me, and my insecurities started stacking up one after another. Am I ugly? Do I walk weird? sit weird? eat weird? Am..I...weird? So much of what other people thought of me became me. I wasn't me, I was them.
Going into freshman year of college, where people barely knew me, I thought I could recreate myself to be a genuine me. I was going to become the person that I thought I was, and the person that didn't change because I didn't suit their personality. But, I was a coward. During freshmen year, I lived in the college dorms with my scholars group. It was very well for the first week when no one really knew each other. Then, for some reason, I gained a few negative aspects in my life. I'm not sure if I ever did something to offend them, or if they just needed someone to pick on. I almost feel like they had so much positive going on in life, that they needed someone negative to balance themselves out. At first I thought it was my own paranoia, and perhaps I just thought they disliked me but really didn't. However it became very clear that they hated me; It was almost like a high school movie where I was the weird kid and they were the popular ones. There was a particular girl and her roommate that just blatantly hated me, then it spread to their other friend, and to more people. It wasn't hate for the people they talked to, it was more of a oh, there's the girl that no one talks to because she's too weird, so I won't talk to her for my own reputation sake.
There were multiple situations where I just felt uncomfortable. Where I just felt like I didn't want to be seen because I felt like people had very negative ideals of who I was as a person. I was studying one night in the basement of my dorm, and one guy walks behind me, throws a cherry pit down my back and pretended like nothing ever happened. When I noticed something rolling down my back I shook it off and look up to see the girl, her roommate, and the dude all snickering and laughing at how funny it was that he threw something down my shirt. It was humiliating, and I thought people were more mature at this age than that. When I pass them in the hallways I would try to greet them nicely, but they would roll their eyes and walk past me. The roommate was decorating the hall one day, and I remember people commenting on how well it looked, so I said "Oh! I like it." She smiled at everyone BUT me. Rolled her eyes and pretended like I never spoke a word to her. I let their negativity influence me way too much. I felt like everyone who associated with them hated me. I felt as if there were huge letters on my forehead that spelled out "LOSER". Whenever there were people in the hallway, I was afraid to walk outside. I was afraid to have them see me and talk about me. I didn't want to hear my name in their conversations.
Reflecting back on it now, I feel like I wasted an entire year of my life feeling worthless and disliked by everyone. Even though it was only particular people, I let them push myself to believe that I wasn't good enough for society. I wasn't happy. In fact, I was miserable. It wasn't until this summer when I finally moved out that I realized I could take them out of my life. They weren't anybody important to me as cynical as that sounds. I have the ability to choose who I surround myself with and who I want to keep out of my life. It's that easy. All I had to do was say no to the negative and walk away from it. There was no reason for me to engulf my time worrying about all the negative people who I barely knew. I'm the only person that can build who I am, and no one should have the ability to change that. As long as I have my morale, I can be what I want to be without having to fit into the society puzzle. There is too much diversity in the world for me to fit in everywhere. I just need to find where I am comfortable, and stay happy. Here's a quote to end this blog:
"When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life."
- John Green
No comments:
Post a Comment