Intellect used to be the one and only description of myself I could hold high prestige and pride in. Only now, do I realize, that intelligence is relative. Where I am currently at, I feel that I am not intelligent compared to my peers. I often forget material now, whereas I used to think I had photographic memory. Sometimes, I walk into rooms not knowing why I went inside. Sometimes, I forget why I do the things that I do. Or perhaps, I like to remember the things that make me happy and forget the things that oppose that. Under the stress of school, work, and making a person out of myself, I forgot the reason I wanted to pursue a career as a physician: to hold the ability of change in my hands.
In 2008, a childhood friend of mine passed away from leukemia. We met while attending the same preschool in China. Ah San was her name. Today, if she were here, she would be the same age as me and reaching for the stars. I remember when she was admitted to the hospital with headaches and symptoms of what would seem like the common flu. She was in New York City, and at that time I was in Illinois. She was there for almost a week. On the phone, her voice would tremble as if life was no longer certain to her. Medical bills were rising, and her family became progressively worried for her. The night before she was supposed to leave the hospital, she was extremely happy. "I can go home now and spend more time with you," she told her mother. However, the next morning, she never woke up. She fell into a death-like comma, and was announced dead that afternoon. "Her brain cells died..." are the words the doctors then said in layman's terms.
This incident made me feel really empty. Was her death an act of malpractice? Why did a perfect person like that just disappear. Ah San had goals and dreams. She had aspirations of growing up and being a successful business women. She had her entire life planned out, but all of that was erased. I just thought that I would have done everything I could to save her if I had the knowledge to do so.
I want to save lives. I want to help people accomplish their goals. For the longest time I thought being a doctor was how to do that. The idea of being "Dr" and having the high prestige also played a role. My family has worked their entire lives in minimum wage jobs and the restaurant business. Whenever my mother says, "We can't compare to other people...because we're poor," creates a giant crater in me. Sometimes I feel my ambitions are far too large for the parameters I live in. I can still hope that one day I will make differences in the lives of people who need them through healthcare, and that I can become someone my family holds pride in. I'm not intellectual, nor do I work as fast as others. So, all I can do is try my best and chase my goals.
After all, a dream will always be a dream....Until we catch it.
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