I started this blog a while back, but I have been reluctant to share it. It was very personal to me. This is for my friends, family, and professors who have been so supportive of me through this though journey.
Thank You
" Do you want us to take him off the ventilation?"
- anonymous nurse
It's pass midnight, and I am still sitting in the hospital waiting room as if something will happen.I haven't been able to focus on school or work. I haven't been able to sleep. When I do sleep, I dream about what he might be dreaming of when he's all alone in bed 3 of the SICU. I dream about all the things I could have done for him when he was well, healthy, and awake. I fall deep into my guilt of not appreciating him enough.
7:00 PM
My sister messages me to inform me that she found grandpa laying on the floor not knowing if he fell or if his legs became weak. She described him bleeding from the mouth, and I panicked. He was then sent to the local hospital via ambulance.
8:20 PM
I arrive at the emergency department of the hospital expecting my grandfather to be in a regular ER room. Instead, he was in trauma with I don't even know how many doctors, surgeons, and nurses. I just remember seeing curtains between my grandfather with the medical team and me. Through an uncovered area of the room I could see the face of a nurse observing. Blood was constantly dripping onto the floor and I remember thinking how I've never been in such a situation. My uncle and I just sat outside the room until a doctor came out to tell us he was going to contact more surgeons, and then the surgeon comes out telling us they can't find his source of internal bleeding. We were then transferred to the surgical department.
12:00 AM
The surgeon comes to tell us that my grandfather is stabilized and that they found the source of bleeding to be a tumor like mass. He sounded very confident when he told us that there was a very high possibility that what they removed was a malignant stage 3 tumor and that my grandfather may only have a year left to live. Hearing this news, my family and I were devastated. I stayed at the hospital thinking about the options we had to think about from here on out. But, at-least my grandfather was stable, for now.
3:00 AM
I had fallen asleep on the waiting room chairs when a female surgeon woke me up. She sat on the edge of the table adjacent to me while I put my glasses on.
" I'm afraid your grandfather is bleeding at a faster rate than we can deliver blood to him and the hospital is on our last two supplies of blood", she told me.
I was startled, "So...no matter how much blood he gets, it's no use?".
She replied with a stern "Yes, do you want to take a moment to call family?"
I had to take a few minutes to process what I had just heard. I had to ask her several times "There is nothing else we can do? There is nothing else? How long does he have to live? Is there nothing....?" I curled up into a corner of the waiting room and proceeded to make phone calls.
6:00 AM
I decided to move myself from the waiting room to my grandfathers room. At least 6 different machine where hooked up to him from all directions. His swollen face was the only thing I could see while the rest of his body was covered in numerous blankets to retain his body temperature. I prayed for god to save my grandfather. I got on my knees with my fingers webbed together and prayed harder than I ever have in my entire life. At this moment, one of the nurses stood very close to me. I will never forget the words that came from her mouth; she said, "Do you want us to take him off the ventilation?"
I understood very well what she meant. However, I asked her what she meant anyway. She couldn't speak, like the words were stuck at the roof of her mouth because she knew it was difficult. I made the decision to wait until the rest of my family came to make such decisions.
12:00 AM
The surgeon comes to tell us that my grandfather is stabilized and that they found the source of bleeding to be a tumor like mass. He sounded very confident when he told us that there was a very high possibility that what they removed was a malignant stage 3 tumor and that my grandfather may only have a year left to live. Hearing this news, my family and I were devastated. I stayed at the hospital thinking about the options we had to think about from here on out. But, at-least my grandfather was stable, for now.
3:00 AM
I had fallen asleep on the waiting room chairs when a female surgeon woke me up. She sat on the edge of the table adjacent to me while I put my glasses on.
" I'm afraid your grandfather is bleeding at a faster rate than we can deliver blood to him and the hospital is on our last two supplies of blood", she told me.
I was startled, "So...no matter how much blood he gets, it's no use?".
She replied with a stern "Yes, do you want to take a moment to call family?"
I had to take a few minutes to process what I had just heard. I had to ask her several times "There is nothing else we can do? There is nothing else? How long does he have to live? Is there nothing....?" I curled up into a corner of the waiting room and proceeded to make phone calls.
6:00 AM
I decided to move myself from the waiting room to my grandfathers room. At least 6 different machine where hooked up to him from all directions. His swollen face was the only thing I could see while the rest of his body was covered in numerous blankets to retain his body temperature. I prayed for god to save my grandfather. I got on my knees with my fingers webbed together and prayed harder than I ever have in my entire life. At this moment, one of the nurses stood very close to me. I will never forget the words that came from her mouth; she said, "Do you want us to take him off the ventilation?"
I understood very well what she meant. However, I asked her what she meant anyway. She couldn't speak, like the words were stuck at the roof of her mouth because she knew it was difficult. I made the decision to wait until the rest of my family came to make such decisions.
6:25 AM
A new surgeon came for his shift, he checked my grandfather, and decided to transfuse more blood. His decision, made a different in my grandfathers life. Because of his decision, my grandfather survived that day. It was as if a miracle blessed him.
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My grandfather was in an excruciating amount of pain. His stomach was removed so he could not eat or drink and was fed through an IV. His kidneys failed him, and then his liver, and gradually his entire system. His trachea was punctured for ventilation so he couldn't speak. He would use hand gestures that we only sometimes understood. Relatives from all over came to visit him, except his daughters who could not due to international regulations. Medication was his lifeline at this point, but we assured him everything was going to be alright.
I still remember the disappointment on his face. He knew he wasn't okay. His every movement gave him pain. His eyes were glossed over as if death was starring right at him. He wrote in the air once, "I want to go HOME". This phrase broke me. I imagined how alone he must have felt by himself in the hospital where he didn't understand anything the doctors and nurses said. How scared he must have been. I wanted, more than anything, for my grandfather to come home one day. The doctors suggested putting him in hospice, but I ignorantly denied. I believed he would recover from the bottom of my heart.
Three months passed with me visiting him nearly everyday, On June 21st, I went to visit him as usual. However, he wasn't in his room. In panic, I ran to the nurse to ask her where he was. At the same moment, I received a phone call from within the hospital. After that, I sat down with two surgeons in the SICU where my grandfather was transferred back to. They broke the news about his abnormal heart, and that he wouldn't live past the night. I remember shaking uncontrollably and feeling light headed. I watched over my grandfather in his room, his eyes were closed and he wasn't responding to any calls for his name. For hours, I sat staring at him hoping he would just open his eyes. Wishing the doctors would tell me that he would survive.
At around 12:30 am, the nurse shut off the monitor. My grandfather's sisters cried at his bedside, calling out his name. He seems as if he was using the last bit of strength in his body to open his eyes so that he could see his family for the last time. However, he couldn't open his eyes. His face frowned as he twitched, and a tear rolled down his cheeks. His legs became stone cold. I checked for a pulse but couldn't find any. I tried one hand and then the other. Then the doctor comes in to inform me.
On June 22 at 12:55 AM, my grandfather passed away at only 76 lbs.
At the moment, the world collapsed on me, The loudest cries came from this room, and life never seemed so fragile as it did in that very moment. My grandfather was a strong man, a fighter, a loving brother, a caring father. Rest in Peace.
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I will end the blog here. This experience has changed me as a person and the way I look at my life, but that reflection will be for next time. Thank You for reading.
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