Even If I'm Crawling

"You have the most willpower out of anyone I know"

- Friend of mine

That's what a friend said to me after we both pulled an all-nighter at the library frantically studying for an exam. Little did she know, those words meant so much to me. It fueled my willpower more in a way. It might have been the first time someone explicitly recognized my uphill fight. I really appreciate it.

Finals are coming up, so I thought I would take some time and reflect on my life and goals before I dwindle down to a bundle of tears in fear of grades. This semester has changed me a lot as an individual. I found Christianity and God. It's a new little coven of peace that I never had before. The idea that God will always we there for me has comforted me more than ever. The unconditional love that the lord gives is honestly irreplaceable.

This all happened when I finally snapped last month. It's my junior year in college. The year where I have to impress people with a stellar GPA, 99% percentile MCAT score, volunteer hours, shadowing hours, extracurricular, and obviously being top notch of my class. However, I meet none of those criteria. It seemed like everyone else had those things and were prepared to become future doctors. In the mist of all those thoughts I lost myself and the idea that I was living a static life came crashing down on me like heavy cement blocks. On my way to an exam that I felt extremely ill-prepared for, I collapsed. I remember my legs going weak and everything going black. For a few seconds I just laid on the grass in complete darkness while a stranger in the background repeatedly asked if I was okay. I was sent to the ER and walked out since I didn't have the financials to see a physician.

I spent the next few days looking for counseling and drowning in my tears. The world at this point felt numb to me. I tried looking online for depression advice. I went to a free clinic and cried like I was in a mid life crisis in front of multiple medical students and doctors. I had support from so many friends who tried to talk and comfort me which I really appreciated. But those were empty words to me. Everyone said the same things, and they would make me feel human for a few minutes and I would retreat to that same numbness again. I contemplated dropping out of college and letting go everything I've worked for to this point go. My friend offered to take me to her bible study, and this might be one of the biggest milestones in my life.

I was always scientifically driven. The intangible idea that an unearthly being existed was undeniably bogus to me. Everything needed to be backed up by evidence. Science and religion could not coexist to me. Going to bible study was my last resort. While there, I talked to the pastor and he gave me knowledge about God. Through a long process, I locked myself in, and prayed. Even till this day I can't describe what happened without feeling like a crazy child. I felt like I prayed to God, and he accepted me. Then, I realized that God has always been with me. So many occasions in life where he reached out to me that I didn't realize before. God has a plan for me and I know that he will be there for me.

I guess I just wanted to share that experience with you guys, and in a way, clear some of my thoughts. My Finals schedule looks like its out to tackle me. That is okay though because I repeat this in my mind: "GPA does not define who I am. My worth cannot be compared to anyone else. My success is defined by my efforts." I am still going through the struggle of trying not to compare myself to other people. I admit that I get curious and like to know how others did on exams  with the guilty pleasure of maybe doing better. I'm working on it so I can become a more genuine human being.

Even if I can't fly, I can walk. Even if I can't walk, I can crawl. Either way, I have my goals in life and I will get there using the best of my efforts and will power. So, if you ever feel suffocated by all the demands of life, take a deep breath. You're breathing and alive. And as long as you are alive, you can take steps in life. The worst thing that can happen to us is death.

I try to think that even if I'm crawling, I'm still moving. It might be slow and hard to watch people run past me, but I will get there. Because I have will power left in me.